Monday, September 7, 2009

Dreams and fears

Many nights, I wake suddenly as fear rushes through my body. Simultaneously, I feel relief. The dream that woke me was simply that -- a dream -- and I am not having another surgery.

Anymore, I don't often think about my hips during the day. But at night, thoughts and fears creep through my subconscious and into my dreams. In them, I usually am getting prepped for surgery, awaiting the masked faces that will roll me to the cold operating room. Sometimes, I'm through surgery, with no one to help me to my crutches.

Truth is, I'm still scared of both. What I hate worst about my future is the near certainty that I'll need more hip surgeries, coupled with the possibility that I may have no one to help me through them.

Before dysplasia and PAOs, I didn't think twice about being alone. Now, I'm terrified, and I hope I make the right decisions down the road so I can find and keep the people in my life who will be able to help me.

Sweet dreams.

2 comments:

Jen said...

I have many of the same thoughts myself, and I have not been through near as much as you. (Just three weeks after my first PAO) Remember, you're tougher than your subconscious thinks. And your hippies are here to cheer you on!
Jen

Arpine said...

Good luck to you... I have the same fears... My parents are in a different country and I am divorced, and I thought I'd be fine... I've found out last week that I need RPAO, and I'm terrified... Not so much of the surgery itself, but of the loneliness and lack of confidence that I can do it alone... Thank you for your blob, it is very inspiring... I'm thinking about starting my hip blog as well...