Dreams and fears

-
Many nights, I wake suddenly as fear rushes through my body. Simultaneously, I feel relief. The dream that woke me was simply that -- a dream -- and I am not having another surgery.

Anymore, I don't often think about my hips during the day. But at night, thoughts and fears creep through my subconscious and into my dreams. In them, I usually am getting prepped for surgery, awaiting the masked faces that will roll me to the cold operating room. Sometimes, I'm through surgery, with no one to help me to my crutches.

Truth is, I'm still scared of both. What I hate worst about my future is the near certainty that I'll need more hip surgeries, coupled with the possibility that I may have no one to help me through them.

Before dysplasia and PAOs, I didn't think twice about being alone. Now, I'm terrified, and I hope I make the right decisions down the road so I can find and keep the people in my life who will be able to help me.

Sweet dreams.

Comments

Jen said…
I have many of the same thoughts myself, and I have not been through near as much as you. (Just three weeks after my first PAO) Remember, you're tougher than your subconscious thinks. And your hippies are here to cheer you on!
Jen
September 07, 2009
Arpine said…
Good luck to you... I have the same fears... My parents are in a different country and I am divorced, and I thought I'd be fine... I've found out last week that I need RPAO, and I'm terrified... Not so much of the surgery itself, but of the loneliness and lack of confidence that I can do it alone... Thank you for your blob, it is very inspiring... I'm thinking about starting my hip blog as well...
September 11, 2009
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dreams

-
I still have bad dreams about having hip surgeries. It's been nine years since I went under the knife. The surgeries seem far from mind – I don't have daily pain, I don't talk about hip dysplasia, and when I get undressed, I rarely notice the thin white scars on either side of my hips. When I do think about it all, gratitude and pride overwhelm me. I think of my recovery and wonderful life that has followed. It's strange then, that my brain sums up this life-changing event with disturbing scenes from an operating room, flooding me with anxiety and reminding me of the unpleasant parts of PAOs. But maybe the nightmares have some value, after all. Being reminded of the stress and pain and work that went into fixing my hips also reminds me of how strong I was to get through it. Never forget.
Read more

Out of surgery

-
This is Cassie's Mom, after trying to connect to the internet unsuccessfully several times in her room, we have decided that Cassie will dictate to me and I'll try to keep you updated by taking the computer elsewhere in the building where there is a strong enough signal. Cassie's surgery took 5 1/2 hours this time, and Dr. Mayo said it went very well. He did find a cyst in the joint, in the same place as the left one...a matching set! He said that was kind of strange. She woke up in a lot of pain and Dr. Mayo said it took some time to get it under control, fortunately she did not remember much of that! She was out of recovery just 1 1/2 hours later and after a breathing treatment; into a room by 9:30, a little nauseas, and with a very dry throat. She kicked me out a little after midnight, and I took a cab to the hotel, since my carriage had turned back into a pumpkin. During the night they did a Doppler test because they were not detecting a pulse in her right leg, but th...
Read more

4 years post-op LPAO

-
Image
It's been four years since my left hip surgery, the day-long event that became a years-long cornucopia for which I am eternally thankful. My thanks does not wane, even though the periods of pain-free living have started to. Between anniversaries three and four, I have to admit that life has been a little tougher. My hips hurt more often and are less willing to take the beatings an active lifestyle evokes. My mind returns to dark places of my past, when pain ruled and I couldn't count on my body. The most challenging aspect is not letting fears and negative thoughts squash the positive feelings and abilities my new hips gave me. Post-surgery pains are completely different than pre-surgery's. Sporadic, unpredictable and in places I didn't think even counted as "hip pain." Post-surgery pains also have been easier to control, just harder to understand. I am considering a visit to a hip doc in my town, rather than a flight to Tacoma to see Dr. Mayo. I need to...
Read more